Self.

This is an old one...

This is me now,

whole and incomplete.

Still wandering in this foreign place.

I am not who I was

and I am not who I am.

I am not who I will be.

I am somewhere in the center,

searching through tangled vines

and pathways crisscrossing ways.

I do not know which way to go,

to be where I should.

I can see my life spread before me,

along the darkened sky.

I can see where I want to be,

but something keeps holding me,

reminding me of my faults

and pushing me away.

Pushing through I am trying,

to reach my oasis.

And be the person I want to be,

complete in life and love.

I don’t want to wander any longer,

I want to settle

and rejoice in the life I am meant for.

This is me now,

wanting something different from what I have.

Writing.

I added a new quote to my profile sometime today. It's one I stumbled across in all my research for my Walt Whitman paper.

"Either define the moment or the moment will define you." -Walt Whitman

I used to hate Whitman. Really hate him. Mostly because I was a sophomore in high school and my teacher forced "Song of Myself" on us and told us to recreate Whitman's poem in our own words. Needless to say, none of us understood the assignment, and simply spouted out meaningless babble in long exaggerated phrases, because to us, that's what the poem looked like. Junk.

When i saw that we were reading Whitman for my class, I was like, "Gosh darn it, I hate him." Yeah, well, i got over it. Whitman is actually quite wonderful and I'm here to tell you why you need to read "Song of Myself" (just make sure its the 1892 death-bed version, because it's the best one).

Emerson wrote an essay called "The Poet" talking about how the American people were in need of a distinguished voice. This person, the poet, would eventually encompass all of American soceity and become it, giving voice to every American voice, every American thought through his work. Quite a large task, but Whitman decided to take it on and attempt to write something that would achieve Emerson's will.

He did that, or tried to in Leaves of Grass, and more noticeably in "Song of Myself." The poem recites passage after passage, line after line trying to give voice to all emotions an American, a human being can feel. When I was reading it for my class, I became absorbed in it, wondering how he felt, writing his words and knowing that they would either speak the way he wanted them to, or simply fail and fall flat.

Like he said, "Define the moment." His moment was taking on Emerson's challenge and succeeding, or at least we all hail him as Emerson's poet (at least literary scholars do, and me). His role was defined, because he choose to define it. Had he not, would another have stepped in his place to write the way Emerson called for? Or not? Would we even care about the essay Emerson wrote and his challenge to any writers who wished to take it on? No. No one would even know about the essay if Whitman hadn't decided to do it. Therefore, he defined his destiny and didn't it let him control him.

This is why he's one of my new heroes. I can sit here on my own computer, technology in hand and know that i cannot write something as eloquent and as beautiful and as simple as him, because I have not seized that moment and held onto that feeling for more than a moment. Instead, I let the larger scheme of things, my insecurities, my feelings of failure, overcome my own ambitions.

I believe I have some level of talent in my writing. I know that if I devoted all my time to it, I could be successful with it. It only takes my full committment to it for me to succeed.

My best writing comes from when i completely lose myself in it. In the first night I stayed up to write, it wasn't because I meant to. My fingers kept going, and my brain stayed focused for 3 or 4 hours at a time, forcing me to spit it all out. i had no sense of time, of exhaustion and just kept going because I had to get it out. Was this how Whitman felt? I hope so.

In no way will I ever be like Whitman, ever gain that level of infamy and honor. But i can try. I have enough life experience to put into it, I'm well read, and I care enough to share my words with everyone else.

So what is my moment? I have no idea. Maybe I'll know the moment when it comes and knocks me over the head. But i think it's going to come, and I am going to define it, harness it, and make something of myself, because I can. I have a long way to go, to acheive anything, but if I keep trying, forcing myself to write and work at it, it'll happen. Because I want it to. And because I know it will.

You might think that this was a pointless bunch of babble, but I don't. I take that quote literally and when my moment comes, I'm taking it. Just wait, one day you'll see my name on the bestsellers list. I guarantee it.

What's your moment?

It all ends eventually.

I never wrote a post in excitement after i won NaNo at midnight November 30th. It makes me sad. So, for anyone completely out of the loop, I won. Somehow, by some miracle, I won and managed to pump out over 20,000 words on the 30th to win. I amaze even myself. ;) My goal is to actually finish it over break, after I relax a little. I also want to finish the novel from LAST november, as it only has a couple more chapters to go until its complete (maybe 3?). I am just proud of myself for winning 2 years in a row when I all but gave up this year on monday night when I realized how overwhelming the week was going to be, and I had 20,000 to go. Since then, i haven't had a moment to myself to even let it soak in. I have been swamped with work for my classes and writing papers like a fiend.

With all the stress, I surprised myself by getting a 3.9 on my final Eng 310C paper, which was the highlight of my schoolwork for the semester. It's like the pinacle of my success! I think that I am more proud of that paper, than of any other I have written. It's good. The professor even wrote, "outstanding" as his first comment. After the class when i got it back, he told me it was good scholarly work and he was proud of me. Yes, I know I am awesome. ;)

I also got back my research paper for my Mexican history class. hehehe. funny story there. I basically started crying and having a panic attack the night before it was due and freaked out about it. Ask Vicky, it was bad. I got it back Thursday and he announced that the class average was a 5/10. me? oh, i got an 8.5/10. Oh, and it had to be at least 10 pages, mine was only 9 1/2. hahaha. It's nice to know I can turn in what i think is crap and still do well. It really makes me wonder what those people wrote who got under a 5. It must have been horrible! :) (I promise i am really not this cocky and stuck-up, its just been a rough 2 weeks for me school-wise and this is how I am getting it all out).

Another good thing that's happened is my position in the house. I am really excited to dive in, but also kind of nervous. Hopefully it'll push me and help me grow in ways I haven't before. I just hope I do a good job and give it all I can.

And now, I'm turning to my finals after pumping out another 8 page paper. Let's reflect a moment...Since last Tuesday night I have written an 11 page paper for my 310C class, an 8 page paper for Shakespeare, 20000 words for NaNo, a 9 page research paper, a 2 page reflection paper for my ENG 230 class, and today's 8 page paper for ENG 230. Seriously, I am DONE. But, i still have my final to write for 310C and 2 essay exams. *sigh* I am a writing dynamo. Even though I am severly burnt out...I cannot wait to go home on Wednesday and SLEEP.

Speaking of sleep. I think I have MAYBE gotten 3 nights of sleep this last month that were over 6 hours. I am deprived....

My finals next week also suck. I have 230 on Monday night from 8-10. Then Shakespeare Tuesday monring from 10-12. My ENG 310C paper due at 2, and then my HST exam from 5:45-7:45. I'm going to die. So, I shall be holed up in my room until Monday night when I venture out into the frigid cold to take that first exam. ew.

Anyway, that's all I have. So yipee for that! (and for those of you still in college, good luck on finals).

-allie-